Dear Internet

I want to tell you so many stories right now, about so many different things, but it’s that time of the year when my office job kicks into high gear, and somehow I am moving this coming week, and also there’s this whole non-profit that I’ve helped start which is picking up speed and needs some serious attention, and I’m running off to the beach for Labor Day weekend, which seems so far away yet also PRACTICALLY NEXT WEEK, and why does white wine go bad so quickly? I can never drink it all, which feels so futile.

Here’s what I made for dinner last night.

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Reasons why this is awesome:
-I’d been afraid to grill un-assisted before this.
-First time cooking fresh fish. (Though props to my friend, who made the marinade.)
-The entire meal was spontaneous.

And here are some flowers.

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They just made me happy.

How is your life this week?

disillusionment

The serious Christian, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it. But God’s grace speedily shatters such dreams. Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves. By sheer grace, God will not permit us to live even for a brief period in a dream world. Only that fellowship which faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God’s sight; begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to it. The sooner this shock o disillusionment comes to an individual and to a community the better for both. This hour of disillusionment, difficult as it is, is in the end incomparably profitable, because it so throughtly teaches us that we can never live together by our own words and deeds, but only by that one Word and Deed which really binds us together – the forgiveness of sins in Jesus Christ. Christian brotherhood is not an ideal which we must realize; it is rather a reality created by God in Christ in which we may participate.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

One of these days, I am going to write a whole series of blog posts on how to take big risks even when you self-identify as risk-averse. Except I’ve realized that, in my efforts to become riskier, things that used to terrify me don’t anymore, but I still self-identify as risk-averse because I JUST KEEP FINDING RISKIER THINGS TO BE AFRAID OF!

So, perhaps instead I should write a series of blog posts on how to become an adrenaline junkie.

rockclimbers
(There are at least four rockclimbers in this photo. Is this my future?)

twelfth rehearsal

Woo! Band!

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I’ve hit that place where the band activities feel comfortable – I’m not awkwardly trying to figure out what to think or how to act, but trusting my instincts. That’s refreshing. I can enjoy rehearsals and their unique mix of work and play.

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And finally, when everyone breaks out into the punk or reggae version of a song, instead of wondering why we’re wasting time with this absurdity, I’m trying to figure out how to refashion the melody to fit in. Haven’t quite figured it out yet, but at least I’m moving in that direction.

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The new song is just as catchy as it was when we learned it a few weeks ago, and I remembered more of the lyrics than John. We’ve made a few tweaks to tighten it, and I’m so excited to share it with people.

After our first show, as I was processing the experience of stage fright, I asked each of the band members why they performed, or how they viewed that part of being in a band. The best response, for me, came from Ben, who said that the show is like a gift from the band to the world, where we can share the fruit of all our labor, and where we can bring them into this whole creative process that we’ve been enjoying so thoroughly.

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Our band is REALLY enjoying ourselves. I DO want to invite you into that.

messes

I couldn’t sleep last night. My thoughts/emotions wouldn’t shut up. They wanted some attention, and I mainly wanted to ignore them and for everything to be fine.

But life is complicated. And full of brokenness. Some problems can’t be fixed. Or are our own creations. They don’t go away when we close our eyes.

Eventually, I gave up the fight for sleep, turned on the light, and started writing/praying/processing through things. I forced myself to say the things I was afraid to speak. These words that terrify me, that I run away from, that I don’t want to give weight to, they can be spoken in God’s presence. I didn’t collapse. He held the weight of them. A space was created where these thoughts, these ideas, these words can begin to be considered.

I feel like I’m going through an internal spring cleaning, like things are being taken off the bookshelves and pulled out of the closet and dragged out from under the bed, and there is a big, overwhelming pile to be dealt with. But I will do the work, and step over/around this pile until it’s fully sorted, trusting that in the end there will be a more beautiful, more welcoming, more spacious place.