November thoughts

I’ve had the urge to post on this blog more often, so I’m just running with it.

There might be a new (and short-lived) series hitting your screens/faces in the near future. (Hint: it includes more mirror self-portraits, because I am never not thinking about my wardrobe.)

I LOVE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME! Some people think it’s awful, but I kiss the air and dance for joy and generally talk about it every day during the weeks before and after because WAKING UP WITH THE SUN IS MY FAVORITE!  Yes, walking home from work in the dark is rough, but I find it breaks my day into two clear-cut segments – it’s already dark when I’m home, so the setting sun doesn’t confuse my hunger or sleepiness. I just turn on my Happy Lamp (that’s really what it’s called) and work on projects.

Since I’ve never once had a desire to write a whole dedicated post about my double vision, I’ll sneak it in here – yes, I still have double vision. I know. I KNOW THAT IS CRAZY. It’s been over two years now. Bringing it up is like opening a whole can of worms, but I’ve made peace with some of those worms in the past year. I’m not okay with how awful the medical industry is, and how I’m expected to be my own champion through this whole ordeal, and somehow it’s my job, as the layman, with a highly personal and conceptual idea of the problem, to help these highly-educated and logical professionals understand this journey WHEN I ALREADY SENT THEM A CHART WITH PAGES AND PAGES EXPLAINING THE PROCESS IN MEDICAL LANGUAGE.

Now that I think about it, this explains why one of them said, “I feel like the process of getting a diagnosis is more stressful than the actual double-vision,” because IT IS. I can make peace with a medical anomaly (which is what I meant to talk about here), but I didn’t expect to need medication to help manage the anxiety I now get every time I have to see a doctor. The system is broken. I’m experiencing that. My heart aches for people who don’t have the option to say, “This doctor thing is too stressful. I’m going to just focus on living my life instead of searching for an answer.”

But, obviously, I want an answer. I want to have normal vision again. I am haunted by the thought that someone out there knows how to fix this. I want to find them, and I wish it wasn’t so difficult.

good words

Title: One Cause of Collapse

Author: Elisabeth Elliot

One excuse that is a catch-all for any failure to do our jobs is “burn-out.” It’s an occupational hazard in just about every occupation modern man has ever heard of. Strangely enough, we never heard about burn-out until the past couple of decades, but now everybody suffers from it. Exhaustion–physical, mental, emotional–is endemic. Why?

One reason is lack of humility. In our anxiety to compete, to prove ourselves, to be a success as the world defines it, we are wearied and overburdened. If we sought instead only the greatness of the kingdom, we would become childlike. The truly important things are hidden from the clever and intelligent and are shown to those who are willing to come and be shown, to put on the yoke Christ bears, which is the will of the Father.

We need to learn to walk side by side with Him, bearing humbly and gently the yoke He places on us, not the unbearable burdens of competition and recognition and something called fulfillment. If we do this, any burden He allows–of loss or pain or insult or responsibility or heartbreak–will be both bearable and light, for the weight is shared with Him. No yoke laid on us in this way will cause us to burn out or collapse. This yoke itself will in fact be the very means of our finding rest. There is no form of recreation or relaxation or therapy to compare with the rest, the gentle ease, of Christ’s yoke. “Come,” He says to us, “and learn of Me.”

There’s no RSS feed for these daily devotionals, but if you set it as your homepage odds are good you’ll sit and read it every morning. And then you’ll email them to yourself, and your friends, because LADY SPEAKS TRUTH! (Or maybe that’s just me.)

body image

I can barely walk today. I’m mostly limping, and wimpering occasionally. This is a due to a weekend of cold-induced lounging, then going for a run Tuesday night, then doing some intense conditioning on Wednesday morning. Mostly, I feel good about this pain, because it means I’m getting stronger.

And when I think about getting stronger, when I’m limping around and highly conscious of every muscle in my body, I like to imagine that my legs, under the cellulite, are turning into strong horse legs. Like, I have skinny foal legs now, and one of these days my legs are going to be huge and muscular like a big beast of a horse…but then I remember that I’m a human, and I’ll never be a centaur. This is always disappointing.

Dear Internet

I want to tell you so many stories right now, about so many different things, but it’s that time of the year when my office job kicks into high gear, and somehow I am moving this coming week, and also there’s this whole non-profit that I’ve helped start which is picking up speed and needs some serious attention, and I’m running off to the beach for Labor Day weekend, which seems so far away yet also PRACTICALLY NEXT WEEK, and why does white wine go bad so quickly? I can never drink it all, which feels so futile.

Here’s what I made for dinner last night.

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Reasons why this is awesome:
-I’d been afraid to grill un-assisted before this.
-First time cooking fresh fish. (Though props to my friend, who made the marinade.)
-The entire meal was spontaneous.

And here are some flowers.

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They just made me happy.

How is your life this week?

we need to talk

talk about my hair

I’m excited about this photo. Don’t I look so official? And like I’m about to write some editorial for a magazine?

Well, I’m not. You know it’s all lists and ramblings up in here.

SO HERE WE GO…

The next time you see me – unless you run into me tonight, or tomorrow morning when I’m getting some coffee (would you stop stalking me already?) – my hair will be EIGHT INCHES SHORTER!

I know.

TEN REASONS WHY I AM CUTTING OFF ALL MY HAIR:
1. I love a drastic change! Everyone exclaims!
2. When my hair is long, I worry about dating guys who are obsessed with long hair and who will freak out if I cut it. (Stay away from me, guys who are obsessed with long hair!)
3. I wanted to see how long it would grow. And now I have. So…that’s something.
4. My hair looks MUCH better than I expected it would. It’s lovely, but I don’t really love it.
5. There are only two or three inches of guaranteed awesome curl with my hair, and they tend to be at the ends. So right now those awesome curls are hanging above my chest, instead of framing my face. (My eyes are up here, you know.)
6. I still consider myself to be a short-hair person, and want to get back to that.
7. Cutting eight inches means I’ll get to donate my hair!
8. Based on my calculations, losing eight inches will still keep my hair chin-length or longer.
9. I AM GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH MORE FREE TIME! No more brushing my hair obsessively, or deep-conditioning it so the ends look healthy, or reaching halfway down my back to rinse my hair, or cautiously flipping and scrunching my hair after the shower, or walking to work with hair that is still basically dripping wet…
10. My hair is going to look like this again:

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There were so many more of these. I am sparing you. Just know that I’m looking forward to more good hair days.