Nalle30 Confession

I’m not about to confess some illicit foods consumed (though, to be fair, I did have a small glass of wine and some peach cobbler last night, and I might blame those freshly ground grains before this is over…), but an unfortunate side-effect of Whole30 that I discovered this morning.

When you remove most of your comfort foods, you become very attached to the few that remain.

This morning, I was moving slower. I was sore, perhaps from not stretching enough after yesterday’s run. (Perhaps from the whole grains in that cobbler?) While my breakfast was heating, I started gathering supplies for work – lunch, snack, coffee in a jar. I couldn’t find a lid to fit on any of our small mason jars, which has become a recurring problem for me this past month. (I should buy more, and store them somewhere obvious so they always get put away no matter who unloads the dishwasher.) Once I finally found a jar and a lid, I reached for my almond milk.

It wasn’t there.

I panicked. Recalled yesterday morning, when I smugly put it back in the fridge, realizing there was JUST enough to add to this morning’s coffee before I have to buy more. I only use a splash of it, so there didn’t need to be much.

But it was gone. And I did NOT handle it well. My first instinct was to have a tantrum, to knock on every roommate’s door and ask if she drank it or threw it away, or to scream so that everyone had to wake up and come down and console me AND SEE WHAT THEY’VE DONE. It was not my best moment by a long shot.

Rational thought stepped in, meekly suggesting that it was completely reasonable for someone to throw away a milk container with barely any milk because there was a whole new container of almond milk in the fridge. I reached for that one, realized it was completely unopened, and then read the label.

Second ingredient: evaporated cane sugar. Recommence: irrational desire to scream bloody murder.

YOU GUYS! THIS HAPPENED! I completely lost my shit because there was not a splash of sugar-free almond milk to put in my mason jar of cold brew coffee! THAT IS INSANE!

Welcome to Whole30! Though they encourage a healthy relationship with food, this only applies to foods that are good to/for you. All other foods become the ENEMY, which you must SEEK AND DESTROY. There is a semi-regular sense of betrayal and disappointment, for instance when you discover that restaurants won’t swap out honey vinaigrette for a balsamic, or that nearly every almond or soy milk has added sugar for no good reason, or you remember once again that ICE CREAM IS NOT A HEALTH FOOD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Obviously, this food-is-betraying-you idea isn’t promoted by the creators of Whole30. They want you to focus on the foods you CAN eat and on how much better they help you to feel! But it’s human nature (or at least to those type-A folks who are drawn to an elimination diet like Whole30) to sort the world into good & bad, seeking to eliminate all badness. Maybe others won’t agree. I’ll own that as my own natural instinct. It’s not pretty, and I have had many conversations with friends and counselors about learning to accept the good and the bad and to exist peacefully in the world as it is.

Just don’t ask me to do that before my morning coffee.


BONUS CONFESSION: I drank the coffee without any milk, and it’s perfectly delicious.

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