I couldn’t sleep last night. My thoughts/emotions wouldn’t shut up. They wanted some attention, and I mainly wanted to ignore them and for everything to be fine.
But life is complicated. And full of brokenness. Some problems can’t be fixed. Or are our own creations. They don’t go away when we close our eyes.
Eventually, I gave up the fight for sleep, turned on the light, and started writing/praying/processing through things. I forced myself to say the things I was afraid to speak. These words that terrify me, that I run away from, that I don’t want to give weight to, they can be spoken in God’s presence. I didn’t collapse. He held the weight of them. A space was created where these thoughts, these ideas, these words can begin to be considered.
I feel like I’m going through an internal spring cleaning, like things are being taken off the bookshelves and pulled out of the closet and dragged out from under the bed, and there is a big, overwhelming pile to be dealt with. But I will do the work, and step over/around this pile until it’s fully sorted, trusting that in the end there will be a more beautiful, more welcoming, more spacious place.