going deeper

I made a conscious choice to invest in myself in two ways this year – monthly massages and weekly counseling.  About both of these, I’ve said in the past, “Yeah, that would probably be helpful, but…” and have listed a variety of reasons why it’s not a good time.  Realizing that as I get older and take on more responsibility, it’s only going to become MORE difficult to do such things, I decided not to put them off any longer.

Here are a few similarities I’ve noticed so far:

-At first, there isn’t a specific focus, just a general sense of, “eh, something’s wrong in this area.”  As work begins, there is mild pressure and pain, but it’s bearable.  “And besides,” I remind myself, “it’s going to bring about Something Better.”

-In both cases, due to a dullness of my senses, I pushed too hard, too fast, and ended up sore/tender/exhausted/overwhelmed.

-Returning, I have heightened respect for what’s happening, I’m much more aware of myself.  I’m also  a bit more reserved, but still pressing forward.

-After the first few sessions, there’s a newfound comfort/relief/freedom, and I begin to wonder how I used to function without this.  “Have I been in pain until now, and completely unaware?”

-Once I’m more pliable, deeper work can happen.  It can be scary.  I’m much more sensitive, much more tender.  Often, it hurts.  It takes courage to press on, and wisdom to know when to stop.  And yet, remembering the relief after the first step, I hope for the day when I move past these knots, when I look back and realize how much they’d been holding me back.

This morning, I had a massage that focused on an area which was already sore and tired from previous work, which has always been tight and tense and sore.  I realize that it’s going to take much more time and effort to relax and retrain these muscles.

Tomorrow, I am going to spend a chunk of time alone, with God, thinking about a time of my life that I have been actively avoiding thinking about for six years, but which I’ve been working through, from many directions, for the past few months.  My hope – my prayer – is that I can move past some significant knots and look back with wonder.  I have faith in Something Better.

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2 thoughts on “going deeper

  1. these are wonderful thoughts, Maggie. thanks for sharing your insight. I can totally relate in many ways. keep persevering!

    :)

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