Last night, after I put away all of my clean clothes and made my bed with the new mattress pad (all of this is old news if you’ve seen my twitter feed), I snuggled into the sheets and caught up with Frodo and the gang.  As they’re wandering through Moria, I get a bit tense, and look away from the book to notice, less than a foot from my head, sitting on the pillow that I place between myself and the wall, A HUGE SPIDER!

And, as always, when faced with a large insect in my very own apartment, all of these thoughts run through my head:

-AAACK!  WTF is that thing?  Why is it so close to me?  Why is it in my apartment?

-How do I get rid of it?  Will it jump on me if I try to move?  OMG I HOPE IT DOESN’T JUMP! (Bugs that jump = pure terrror.)

-Why do I live alone?  These are the moments when I need sympathy!

-Should I kill it?  Does it really deserve to die?  It wasn’t really causing trouble until just now, and how was it supposed to know the pillow is off-limits?  I don’t exactly put up signs for the spiders.

-If I kill it, how gross will that be?  Would I want to burn the pillowcase?

-What could I kill it with, anyway?  If I get out of bed and find a book or shoe, it could move, and HOW WILL I KNOW it didn’t move between the sheets?  WHERE MY TOES BELONG!

-omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

-If I calmly, but quickly, grab the pillow and fling it across the room, chances are pretty good that it will not jump on me or crawl on my toes.

-One…two…THREE!  AAAAACK!  WHERE IS IT?

-Crap, it’s running across the floor back to the bed.  Does this mean it’s web is underneath my bed?  Is it going to climb right back up to where it was when I found it?  DOES IT WANT TO SUCK MY BLOOD!

-Ew.

-How am I going to sleep after this?  At least Gandalf is here to protect me.

Le sigh.

All of this just flashed through my mind, as I was heading to bed again tonight.  Stupid spider.  I wish there were some mosquitos in here so that I could appreciate you a little bit.  Are you the same spider that was on my desk the other day?  VISIBILITY IS NOT APPRECIATED!